


Anything To Numb The Pain

by rainsoakedshoes



Series: stonerwolf prompts [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cigarettes, Derek Blames Himself, Derek Feels Guilty, Derek-centric, Drugs, Gen, Guilt, Mentioned Kate Argent, Not Beta Read, Past Kate Argent/Derek Hale, Post Hale Fire, derek sleeps with men and women, i have no idea how to tag this, mentioned Derek/OCs, this is not very happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 05:06:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2096883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainsoakedshoes/pseuds/rainsoakedshoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Hale fire Laura and Derek move to New York City. Derek is not handling the guilt and shame he feels well. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>In the end Derek started doing everything and anything he could to drown out the memory of Kate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything To Numb The Pain

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone here is the third instalment of the stonerwolf prompts:
> 
> "your favorite character encountering weed for the first time"
> 
> its 1am and i have not had a very good week which resulted in a not so happy piece

New York was the furthest place from home they could have been. The city was nothing like Beacon Hills, nothing reminded them of the people or places they had grown up with. After a week there Derek realised that was probably the reason Laura had picked it.  

Derek _hated_ New York.

The noise and pollution attacked his senses, leaving him an almost constant foul mood.

Their first full moon in their new apartment was when Derek realised just how much he had taken their old home for granted. He had complained every month about being dragged into the preserve with his family where they could shift and run freely without fear of being seen, he had made no secret that he hated being so far from town and his friends. But when he was stuck in an apartment that seemed smaller by the minute, repeating the mantra _‘Alpha. Beta. Omega’_ over and over again, trying to control his shift, he had never missed the preserve more.

After that first full moon Derek had asked Laura when they were going back.

Back to California. Back to Beacon Hills. Back home.

Laura had growled and flashed her eyes red, telling him that they were never going back. She was his Alpha, his older sister, and the last person he had, he didn’t argue with her.

Derek hated New York but at least they were safe here.

Unless Derek fucked everything up again.

The guilt ate away at him, he couldn’t sleep and barely ate. He blamed himself for everything that had gone wrong.

_It was his fault his family had been killed. It was his fault his home had been destroyed. It was his fault that he and his sister were on the other side of the country. It was his fault his sister was suddenly an alpha, a position she was not prepared for. It was all his fault_

Their lives had been ruined because he had trusted Kate.

He could still feel her hands and her mouth on his skin. He saw her smile whenever he closed his eyes. He could hear her voice whispering in his ears as he tossed and turned, desperate for sleep. But sleep was worse than being awake.

Sleep brought horrific, twisted nightmares. He dreamt of his family home burning, the screams of his loved ones filling the air. He could hear his mother begging for help. Then the screams would slowly be replaced by Kate’s laughter and her hands would be pulling him close to her. He would dream of her riding him, fucking him, always in control; but instead of the bed in some crappy motel room his back would be pressed against the hard earth of the forest floor, the heat of the fire and the heat of Kate becoming unbearable. After these dreams Derek would wake up shaking and hard; shame, guilt, and anger coursing through his veins.

In the end Derek started doing everything and anything he could to drown out the memory of Kate.

He had always been good at making friends but the teenagers in his building, the people he started hanging out with, were nothing like his friends from Beacon Hills.

The boys smoked cheap cigarettes and swore loudly, laughing when adults gave them dirty looks. The girls wore red lipstick and short skirts, pretending to be dangerous and mad at the world.  It was easy for Derek to fall in with them, to lose himself amongst the ranks of normal teenagers.

He skipped school with them, spending hours wandering the streets of the huge city where no one knew him. He smoked with them and let the harsh smoke burn his lungs. He drank with them and even though the alcohol did nothing for him he pretended it did.

He kissed pretty girls who tasted like nicotine and wine but when he pulled back he could still taste Kate on his lips. The boys he kissed didn’t make him think of Kate at all; there was no way he could mistake their short hair and lean figures for her long locks and curves.

He fucked both girls and boys. He didn’t do soft or romantic, not anymore, he had hardened his heart and didn’t let anyone in; he focused on physical pleasure. He fucked them all hard into the mattress until they were moaning his name and begging for more of him, until he could fool himself into believing that he actually mattered to them.

So it didn’t surprise him that when he was at a party and a guy he didn’t know offered him weed he found himself saying yes.

Derek didn’t think that drugs would have an effect on him so he hadn’t bothered to try before. He had long ago resigned himself to the idea that he would never be able to get intoxicated.

However he was surprised and pleased to find that his assumption was wrong. It took a few more hits for the weed to affect him compared to his friends but soon enough he was aware of his senses being duller than usual.

The drug had rounded off the sharp corners of the world. The harsh smells, sounds, and lights weren’t as bad as they usually were. The loud music didn’t pound against his skull. He didn’t have to turn away from the strobe lights anymore. The smell of teenage hormones that had been filling the air earlier was barely noticeable. Even the ugly thoughts and feelings that had become a normal part of his existence were less vicious.

The guilt and anger that had a grip around his heart ebbed away as he laughed at stories his friends were telling.

When a blonde girl sat on the couch next to him he didn’t shrink back or try to leave. When she smiled at him he gave her a genuine smile in return. When she kissed him he didn’t taste Kate on her lips. When he fucked her in the back room of the party he wasn’t left feeling used or disgusted with himself.

Even the disappointed look Laura gave him when he got home at three in the morning smelling like alcohol, drugs, and sex didn’t seem so bad.

For the first time since the fire Derek slept without Kate invading his dreams.  

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry


End file.
